The question of when a relationship is committed one can be a source of a lot of confusion and debate. We live in a time when the marriage rate is going down, the co-habitation rate is going up, and the majority of first-born children are now born to unmarried parents.
COMMITMENT VERSES PROMISE
I recently had a conversation with a woman who told me she had just broken off a "committed" relationship. Some questions later I learned that she was dating this person for a year, they were not living together, and the reason she broke it off is that he "cheated."
We talked about pre-committed verses committed relationships, and she agreed that it was a pre-committed relationship, but insisted that they had made a "commitment" to each other.
Okay, things are getting clearer. On the one hand will be the status of the relationship, pre-committed verses committed, and on the flip side are commitments made within the relationship, macro verses micro. Two different things, right?
In our conversation, it occurred to me to make a distinction concerning "Commitment" verses "Promise." They made a promise to each other within the context of a relationship that was not committed. That distinction seemed to help her make a lot more sense of things.
Here's my definition of terms:
PROMISE: Verbally stated future intention to perform a specific act.
- I promise to pick up your dry cleaning and not forget this time or I promise to be exclusive in our relationship.
COMMITMENT: Both a FACT shown by behavior, and an ATTITUDE consisting of opinions and beliefs.
- I'm committed to keeping my promises or I am committed to our relationship.
In short, a promise is something you say, and a commitment is something you do. A promise is situation specific. A commitment is contextual.
A promise is really a small commitment. If a potential partner doesn't keep promises, I would question their capacity to keep commitments, as they're definitely related.
CONFUSION ABOUT COMMITMENT
I see a lot of confusion about the status of today's relationships. Some years ago when I coined the term "pre-commitment" to describe couples that were exclusive, but not yet committed, it was a helpful distinction. The question remains, "What is commitment?"
In my opinion, you're not in a committed relationship if:
1. Your significant other is not aware your relationship is committed.
2. You are wondering if this relationship is committed.
3. You and your partner have differences of opinion about the status of your relationship.
4. Your family and friends have different perceptions about the status of your relationship.
5. You and your partner have not acted to explicitly formalize your commitment in any way.
6. You're relying on verbal promises without a significant track record of them being kept.
And, for a relationship to be truly committed, there are no exits - mentally, emotionally, or physically. Once the going gets rough, you make it work.
But if you feel like you're doubtful about your relationship, I'd question your loyalty as well as his. Are you dating a player? Get some detailed advice on the subject by searching: is he a player or was he a player. You'll save yourself a lot of time by eliminating somebody who isn't serious about a commitment.
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